0
self confidence?
Posted by x2 (double grace)
on
11:22 PM
Sometimes I felt like I'm not meant to be in this college.I'm a rayuan-scholar, not a scholar chosen rightfully through interview and test by JPA...I got this scholarship by appealing, its not for me in the first place..
So I have this very-very low self esteem...and almost empty tank of self confidence. Everyone seems to be so clever, all bright looking people, parents doctor, brothers and sisters all under sponsorship, anak Datuk, anak Nenek..hehe..but yalah, you should understand how I felt...Then on the first day, we had this taklimat and the officer suddenly talked about Sabah, and he asked if there's anyone from Sabah. I timidly raised my shaking hands, along with another girl who turns out to be my classmate. Then he pointed at me and ask which part of Sabah was I from.
"Sandakan..."
"Oh, saya pernah ke sana, erm, Sandakan tu status pekan ke?"
"Bukan, Sandakan tu bandar." I answered innocently.
"Ah ha...orang pekan tak mengaku dari pekan, mau anggap diri seperti orang bandar!"
Everybody laughed...i was so malu and angry and sad and alone...i din know what to say...my self esteem become negative...
And then ah, in class, I found out that the other girl from Sabah was my classmate. She just got this air of bright-student-ness, Both of us were from Sabah, both of our results were the same, but I was completely different from her, sorry, I think i let sabah chinese down...I was so timid, my voice was shaky when i introduce myself in front of the class, i don't bravely put my hand up to ask or answer questions...teacher don't notice me, i sit at the back corner. In short, I'm not outstanding.
My classmates are outgoing people. No, almost everyone here are bursting with self confidence, walking with heads held high,unafraid of challanges, excited about tough syllabus, and they like to talk to anyone, always the ones to start a conversation. But I'm nothing like them, and I felt that I'm so weak and kampung-ish and not belong here.And I din think I was good enough to be here with this bunch of bright, high and mighty scholars. I felt inferior in many ways...and inferior because I'm the minority-- from Sabah.
But then God gave me insight during a walk alone on the jogging trail. As i walked along the path. The spirit led me to see that this path that I am on right at that moment symbolised the path in my life. There's a purpose to why I am on that path. It wasn't by accident that I came to this college. It wasn't about how good or how bad I thought I was that I don't deserve to be in this place, but its because God knew what was best for me, so I ended up on this path, in this college.
It wasnt because the government suka-suka allow all 13A1 and above to obtain the scholarship freely, it was because of the work God's hand, the government can easily announce that all 14A1 and above only then can be given the scholarship, but they didn't. It wasn't the government who accidentally picked me, but it was God who purposely chose me.
As i continued to walk and the spirit revealing to me through my thoughts, I felt my heartbeat and breathing accelerated. The spirit compelled me to slow it down or even make it slower than usual. I struggled, I can't lah, how can i control my heartbeat or breathing,its involuntary. I can't make it stop then restart it. Its beyond my control. This function is not configured and hardwired into my system, i argued in my thoughts. Ting! Exactly! I realized that if I can't even control the two most essential mechanism of basic survival how much more is beyond my control! I was led to look to the Master who operates this complex vital mechanism. I learnt to place my confidence in Him, the all powerful and loving God, instead of in myself.
What self-confidence that I admired in other people melted away...I don't need to have self-confidence. What can I do? I can't even control my heartbeat or breathing! What confidence placed on ourself is based on nothing. I realized what I lacked was not self confidence, but GOD-CONFIDENCE. I did not trust enough on God in me. I didn't see myself in God's eyes. I doubted His plan, I "blamed" Him secara tidak langsung. I turned my gaze away from Jesus' face to the storm around me. No wonder I was so negatively charged, so depressed, so lonely, so inferior. I did not see the great power of God in me!!!
Nearing the end of the trail, I repented and rededicated my life to God, choosing to trust Him, and trust what wonderful plans to "prosper and not to harm" me He has in store for me.
Instead of saying, " I can do all things, I believe I can, I know I can!",
I'll be saying, "I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who strengthens me! I believe He can, I know He can, therefore I can."
Hope that this encouraged you who do not have "self-confidence" and feel inferior about not being good enough. GOD LOVES YOU, He has great plans for you, all you have to do is trust in Him and let Him work in you and through you. Do not hinder and stop the flow of God's wonderful surprises by looking down upon yourself, and saying that everyone is better than you---
you are God's child, apple of His eyes, best friend of Jesus, royalty, holy people chosen by God, loved so much by Jesus that He died on the cross in your place--what more do you (we) want or could ever want?
Love,
Esther
So I have this very-very low self esteem...and almost empty tank of self confidence. Everyone seems to be so clever, all bright looking people, parents doctor, brothers and sisters all under sponsorship, anak Datuk, anak Nenek..hehe..but yalah, you should understand how I felt...Then on the first day, we had this taklimat and the officer suddenly talked about Sabah, and he asked if there's anyone from Sabah. I timidly raised my shaking hands, along with another girl who turns out to be my classmate. Then he pointed at me and ask which part of Sabah was I from.
"Sandakan..."
"Oh, saya pernah ke sana, erm, Sandakan tu status pekan ke?"
"Bukan, Sandakan tu bandar." I answered innocently.
"Ah ha...orang pekan tak mengaku dari pekan, mau anggap diri seperti orang bandar!"
Everybody laughed...i was so malu and angry and sad and alone...i din know what to say...my self esteem become negative...
And then ah, in class, I found out that the other girl from Sabah was my classmate. She just got this air of bright-student-ness, Both of us were from Sabah, both of our results were the same, but I was completely different from her, sorry, I think i let sabah chinese down...I was so timid, my voice was shaky when i introduce myself in front of the class, i don't bravely put my hand up to ask or answer questions...teacher don't notice me, i sit at the back corner. In short, I'm not outstanding.
My classmates are outgoing people. No, almost everyone here are bursting with self confidence, walking with heads held high,unafraid of challanges, excited about tough syllabus, and they like to talk to anyone, always the ones to start a conversation. But I'm nothing like them, and I felt that I'm so weak and kampung-ish and not belong here.And I din think I was good enough to be here with this bunch of bright, high and mighty scholars. I felt inferior in many ways...and inferior because I'm the minority-- from Sabah.
But then God gave me insight during a walk alone on the jogging trail. As i walked along the path. The spirit led me to see that this path that I am on right at that moment symbolised the path in my life. There's a purpose to why I am on that path. It wasn't by accident that I came to this college. It wasn't about how good or how bad I thought I was that I don't deserve to be in this place, but its because God knew what was best for me, so I ended up on this path, in this college.
It wasnt because the government suka-suka allow all 13A1 and above to obtain the scholarship freely, it was because of the work God's hand, the government can easily announce that all 14A1 and above only then can be given the scholarship, but they didn't. It wasn't the government who accidentally picked me, but it was God who purposely chose me.
As i continued to walk and the spirit revealing to me through my thoughts, I felt my heartbeat and breathing accelerated. The spirit compelled me to slow it down or even make it slower than usual. I struggled, I can't lah, how can i control my heartbeat or breathing,its involuntary. I can't make it stop then restart it. Its beyond my control. This function is not configured and hardwired into my system, i argued in my thoughts. Ting! Exactly! I realized that if I can't even control the two most essential mechanism of basic survival how much more is beyond my control! I was led to look to the Master who operates this complex vital mechanism. I learnt to place my confidence in Him, the all powerful and loving God, instead of in myself.
What self-confidence that I admired in other people melted away...I don't need to have self-confidence. What can I do? I can't even control my heartbeat or breathing! What confidence placed on ourself is based on nothing. I realized what I lacked was not self confidence, but GOD-CONFIDENCE. I did not trust enough on God in me. I didn't see myself in God's eyes. I doubted His plan, I "blamed" Him secara tidak langsung. I turned my gaze away from Jesus' face to the storm around me. No wonder I was so negatively charged, so depressed, so lonely, so inferior. I did not see the great power of God in me!!!
Nearing the end of the trail, I repented and rededicated my life to God, choosing to trust Him, and trust what wonderful plans to "prosper and not to harm" me He has in store for me.
Instead of saying, " I can do all things, I believe I can, I know I can!",
I'll be saying, "I can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who strengthens me! I believe He can, I know He can, therefore I can."
Hope that this encouraged you who do not have "self-confidence" and feel inferior about not being good enough. GOD LOVES YOU, He has great plans for you, all you have to do is trust in Him and let Him work in you and through you. Do not hinder and stop the flow of God's wonderful surprises by looking down upon yourself, and saying that everyone is better than you---
you are God's child, apple of His eyes, best friend of Jesus, royalty, holy people chosen by God, loved so much by Jesus that He died on the cross in your place--what more do you (we) want or could ever want?
Love,
Esther
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